10/7/2014
In Memoriam
Pastor Kevin and Missy Joyce hereby extend our deepest heartfelt sympathy to all the friends, relatives and enemies of the beloved absent members of our loving community:
who...well, may they all rest in peace. Amen. (tee hee hee)
Your loving and compassionate Pastor and Missy Joyce
Good riddance...outta here...SCUMBAGS!!!
Semper Fi
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P.S. My reliable secret source tells me that your Bountiful Pastorship will be conducting private *seances* very soon. Reasonable rates and guaranteed contact. His place or yours. My secret source was very hesitant to tell me, however that your Bountiful Pastorship has already had serious contact with the "Prince of this World"!!! Oy vey, get me outta here...fast!
Love, Uncle Tom
It is apparent that loyalty, dedication and faithfulness have all but vanished from the hearts and minds of the members of this loving congregation. It's tragic enough that you have no self-respect or desire to rise above principle or pursue more lofty goals! But even more tragic, however, is the fact that you have disgraced the reputation of your bountiful pastorship among my peers! I am now considered a laughing stock who is incapable of leading his flock to the promised land. Well, hear this! There's a heavy price to be paid for your dastardly betrayal. The remedy will be swift, final and permanent. In that order!
Thus, your bountiful pastorship, drenched in mystical wisdom, fully aware of his reputation as the 'Greatest Man of the Cloth in Captivity', as vicar emeritus legato of all those men who wear the funny collars, the decision for retribution is here and now!!!
Therefore, following the conclusion of our next service, all members will descend to the basement below, where propitiously-laced Kool-Aid and donuts will be 'offered' to each and every member of the congregation. The timid and nostalgic members will find appropriate writing material and an assortment of remembrance candles in the top drawer of the bereavement cabinet.
And, dammit, will the remaining member please clean up the carnage and turn off the lights or at least leave a note for the janitor to do so! Amen.
Your Loving Bountiful Pastorship
Some time later on, a sickening, diabolical laughter can be distinctly heard coming from the office of the Bountiful Pastorship "Teeheehee, amen, amen. Teeheehee, amen, amen. Teeheehee, amen, amen. You know, with all due respect to our late Brother Jones and the Kool-Aid method, I fully intend to use a Gatorade cocktail mix the next time around. Teeheehee, amen, amen."
Semper Fi
P.S. Don't look at me. I never met the scoundrel!
Love, Uncle Tom
While scanning the Google earth map, I was shocked to discover that your horse was wearing a brilliant golden, Heaven-like halo around his head! I thought it was understood that no farm animal would be baptized or bar-mitzvahed!
You people are treading on mighty thin theological ice here. As you are well aware, your mystical powers can be revoked, if abused.
Apparently, Pastor Kevin and Missy Joyce, this is not your first violation! I've heard from reliable sources that you are peddling your mystical blessing on Ebay, claiming your blessing is infused into hermetically sealed balloons, then selling them on the open market! What? There's even more; Brazenly soliciting enormous donations so that all your farm animals can attend classes in speech therapy!? What chutzpah! Disgraceful! It's an abomination of all that's ying and yang. And yung, also. And yuck, too. It's just shameful!
Please please please send me two dozen of your blessed balloons (kelly green, of course). Hurry! please! rush! desperation setting in. Unfortunately, your most recent booster blessing is slowly leaking a flatulent-like gas! (Oh my, pfewww!!!) No faithful congregant should ever be expected to endure this kind of suffering. Have a little mercy, please! (Pfeweeeee!)
PS: How come I'm the only one in attendance at your services? Why not invite a few of the farm animals to join in, then we could all bask in the warmth and wisdom of your glorious 'horse radish' (uh-oh) I mean your glorious sermons. Sorry 'bout that.
Mary is the conduit to Uncle Tom. Her email is Contact Mary
Or call Uncle Tom directly at 856-435-7766
Or write him at:
135 E. Linden Ave.
Lindenwold, NJ 08021